Wednesday January 24, 2001
Things have kind of settled down a bit and the focus remains on getting the kids prepared for high school and beyond. This morning in homeroom my students complained that since the winter break I had changed. They noted correctly that I had become much more strict in my classroom rule enforcement and that the class was starting to get a bit boring. My initial inclination was to deny their assertions.

Denial, however, is the first stage of acceptance.

The more I thought about what they were saying, the more it made sense. One girl, Shawanna, even told me to look within myself for the solution to the problem. I ended up tossing and turning all night.

This morning, instead of our normal reading time, I allowed the kids to stand up and make a brief presentation to the class describing what their grades should be. Surprisingly, the responses were remarkably accurate. There were a few kids who claimed they should get an 'A' who were failing, but for the most part, the kids got it right 75% of the time. When they were off base, I didn't have to say anything, because the other students were ready to yell out that the kids were way off.

Thursday January 25, 2001
After a restless night, I came back to school with a vengence and a promise to return to my old self. I let the students have a bit more freedom but explained to them that my reasons for 'clamping down' were that I thought they were taking advantage of my lackadaisical nature. I further explained that it is my job to prepare them for the future and that sometimes a kick in the ass is what they need to get on the right track. The kids agreed and respected my words.

Friday January 26, 2001
Today is a teacher workday and grades are due. My grades have been completed for a few days and most of my colleagues are going on a field trip today with the kids. They are taking them to an amusement park four hours away. The bus left at 4:30 this morning and will return tonight at 11:00. I sure as shit could not go on that field trip because I would be freaking out on a bus full of kids for over 8 hours. My colleagues understood and told me that next time I will be the chosen one to chaperone because I am ditching this one.

Part of the reason for not turning in my grades yet is that I don't really want to have a confrontation with my department head. From other reports gathered this week, she is a bitchy and vengeful person so I will try to minimize contact or avoid it all together until she gets over her ass reaming by the principal.

Yesterday, some kids were passing a picture around and not paying attention. Some girl gave me the picture and told me to look. 'Eeeewww!' It was a picture of one of my wildest male students. He is maybe four years old in the picture. He is naked and gesturing in the same way he does in class. Now each time I look at this kid I want to throw up and laugh at the same time. I ask him why he brought the picture to school and he tells me that some girls wanted to see it.

Saturday January 27, 2001
I only worked about 2 hours today, if you could call what I did 'work. Basically I didn't do anything except turn in my grades. That was relatively uneventful and I think that I will just resume my normal mode instead of being so damn uptight next week. I need to remind myself that I really do have a good job and that what happens with the kids should be the primary focus.

Monday January 29, 2001
Mondays suck. Even at the best job, Monday still sucks the big one. Just the idea of working your ass off or even slacking until the weekend makes me ill. Weekends rock. Even if they suck, they still rock.

I have just finished watching this 'realistic' television show called Boston Public. Maybe you have seen it. It is supposed to portray real life high school, only the dialogue is way too sophisticated, and the plot lines are surrealistic. These kids would not last even one day at Sunnyland Middle. These kids possess an inner city savvy that would overwhelm even the most sophisticated white-bread, made for tv, hockey lovin, I wanna be Fred Durst from Limp Biscuit student.

There has been a kid who has been out of school for 26 straight days because she was kidnapped by her aunt. One of my students is a close friend of hers and speaks to her each day by phone. The school knows where she is but can't do anything about it because the police won't do shit without the father actually filing a complaint. However, since the father doesn't have to watch the child anymore, he really doesn't give a shit so nothing is done.

Last week, two girls got in a fight because one of them called the other one a skanky whore. These girls are 13 and 14 years old. When the students saw them fighting, they circled the two girls and yelled out things like, 'kick that slut's ass.' Kids come late to school because they are having anxiety attacks. Kids don't turn in their work because their mother is going through chemotherapy. There are kids who sit on the front row of class, never bring a book, and are happy to fail. And this is a good school. At least the parents come in for conferences.

Now I am watching this series on PBS about jazz. When I think of how the intensity of Coltrane's band sounds, this is the fire in my belly when I am on the greatest roll in the classroom. When I am swinging and dealing and spewing my stuff and smoke comes out of my ears and a few kids actually have that light bulb on and visible above their heads, I feel fucking great. Can I be doing anything else? Does it disappoint me when like only 10 are listening out of 40? Fuck no, because I am a realist, and I know that 10 is better than none. And we were all in the 8th grade once too thinking about puberty and smoking cigs, and just getting the fuck out of junior high. And when I am at my best, inspired by those who have paved the way for me to rant and rave in a Hunter Thompsonesque style in the classroom, I feel, no, I just know , that the 10 who are listening will turn quickly into 15 and 20 and then maybe the 30 in class who are actually capable of having a discussion about politics, or current events, or history will actually join in; because I have created an atmosphere where they can be themselves. No judgments and no illusions of grandeur. When I am on fire, my class kicks.

Today was one of those days.

Class was outside, in the sunshine and under the shady tree. Turtles came out of shells. Intricate and complex thoughts were shared. I have already made up my mind. This is the time for kids to form their own judgments about the world they live in.