Monday May 21, 2001
I needed a week just to kind of gather my thoughts about the end of the school year. I can tell you that it seems to get crazier than shit each year, but maybe I'm just becoming more cynical.

The kids have started to show disrespect to some of their teachers and I just absolutely have put my foot down. It is better to clamp down now then to have problems during the last few weeks of school. However, I have also made it a point to try to explain my actions to students after class. I do not need students to hold a grudge and make a poor choice in their attempts to resolve a problem.

Once again, I have extended my deadlines for accepting late work and some kids are now trying to avoid summer school. For most of them it will be too late. These kids need remediation. If they are unable to pass my class with a 58 average, then they truly do not deserve promotion to the next grade. Generally, these are the same kids who care more about their Hot Fries than bringing their books.

I brought in some videos on the Holocaust today. A lot of kids were totally shocked, and a few laughed inappropriately. Sometimes it is hard to remember these kids are 13 years old.

I gave an assignment during Saturday school this weekend. The assignment was to have children write questions to one another that would be appropriate to use in an interview to get to know someone else. Here are a few writing samples that these 'children' were working on:
How do you feel about gay women?
No response
When was the last time you have seen 'puzzy?'
(I asked the kid what the word 'puzzy' meant, and she told me that she wasn't sure) How did you feel when Rashawn 'dump' you?
Answer: Shitty, it is a dump.

Today, I saw the AP who is on maternity leave. She told me that she really didn't know if she was coming back next year. I asked her about some opportunities that were presented to me by another administrator at another school and she suggested that I might be better off staying at Sunnyland. Besides, the principal at the other school is a total dickhead. The only reason I was even considering the offer is because I would work a lot less and get paid the same. It may even provide an administrative internship. However, in the long run, it is still hard to forget about the principal. Ours at Sunnyland is pretty fucking cool and the principal at the other school needs to be bitch slapped.

Sometimes I think that I am in such a hurry to make things happen now. I forget that the line 'all good things in all good time' is still relevant. Patience is necessary, especially in this school system because our superintendent of the school system is about to get his ass fired. In addition to being a total lying sack of shit he has employed some 'questionable' colleagues who prolly ought to go to some labor camp in Siberia for 'political re-education.' If the superintendent gets fired, a shitload of people are also going to lose their jobs as well. I do not want to back the wrong horse so being patient right now is necessary.

Tuesday May 22, 2001
I knew today was going to suck the moment I stepped into my car. I was so fucking obsessed with getting some things done to wrap up the school year, that I almost wrecked the car on the way to work. When I arrived a teacher that I know was crying her eyes out in the car.

I knew today was going to suck. Did I say that?

I enter school and attend a meeting where all people did was bitch about the lousy computer guys' attitude. Our computer tech guy is actually a part-time state trooper, so he runs around the building yelling 'code red' into his walkie talkie. He wishes there was an actual 'code red' so he could have a multiple orgasm in his polyester pants. I saw him in the office today asking some kids, 'who said the word gun in class?' His eyes were beaming like a poacher's headlights from a truck. The kids were insisting they said the word 'gum.' He was visibly upset that a 'code red' wasn't really happening.

Finally, at the end of the day, my 7th grade kids come in and act like a bunch of fools. One girl refused to go to another class to cool out for a while and I had to call her mother; she was just walking the hallways. After talking to her mother, and before I handed her the phone, I asked the girl if she would be going to the class after the conversation ended. She just rolled her eyes at me and continued talking. Since the girl's whereabouts were my responsibility, I asked her again and she kept on talking. Maybe I should have just left her there, but I asked her to please respond to assure me that she would not wander the hallways again. Her mom asked for me to get on the phone and yelled at me for speaking to her daughter that way. She told me that she was coming to the school right then for a conference. I told her to call the counselors to set up a conference like everyone else, but that when a conference was set up, I would be happy to discuss her daughter more. I'm sure this is going to blow up and be a big assed thing, but I'm almost at the point where I truly don't give a shit. Where the fuck was this parent when I issued the child 2 prior failure notices and a detention? Now I know where the little pain in the ass gets it from.

I knew today was going to be a shitty day. I really need to just be cool calm and relaxed and not let these kids get to me.

Wednesday May 23, 2001
The big assed thing is in the process of blowing up. The parents came in and totally bitched and complained about what they percieved as the poor treatment of their daughter. Fortunately, I wasn't there. However, they are coming back tomorrow morning. That will truly suck.

The parents were met by both the AP and the counselor. The counselor is very fucking cool but the AP has minimal intelligence. This is the same AP who advised me on the appropriate method of speaking to a 'black man' when the parent from hell showed up a few weeks ago. This time, the counselor told me that when the parents showed up, all she could say was that they were 'totally ghetto.' What kind of bothers me about the whole thing is that the AP never even told me the parents came or could come tomorrow. She doesn't communicate well.

This leads me to my other concern.

I was not put on the list of those eligible to teach summer school. I needed to take a class in teaching kids with language problems prior to being eligible. However, there are waiver forms to make me eligible to teach this summer if I pick up the class in the near future. I asked the AP about this and she told me 'why worry about a waiver - we have made no promises to anyone.'

In a way she is absolutely correct. But the thing is, I think she has no idea even how to complete a waiver. What is more, this is kind of the first time I even anticipated that I would not work in the summer. I placed a call to a few of my colleagues at home and they all told me not to make such an emotional investment in what she was saying. I placed a call to the former AP of curriculum who is now on maternity leave just to get some straight answers. If I am going to work this summer, which I would like to do, I would like to first know if I have a job, and second, try to get the paperwork flowing so that a waiver could be obtained. If I do not have a job, which may appear likely at this point, I would like to pursue possible summer work at another school.

I guess what really was bothering me was that the AP is just not very good at communicating. With the other AP who is on maternity leave, you always knew where you stood. With this AP, it is hard to tell.

Friday June 1, 2001
Hard to believe that it is June first. This year has literally flown by. It took a week or so of freaking out to make me realize that I am the one who can change the way I relate to situations at work, but that the 'contaminated minds' prolly won't change at all.

After a bunch of phone calls and a bunch of behind closed doors bad mouthing, I came to realize that bitching does little to promote change. And I certainly have bitched about a lot of things. Although Sunnyland is dramatically different from Shitsville, some things transcend the public school system. Inept leadership is just around the corner, but so are much worse work environments.

I think most of the way I am feeling has to do with expectations. I have come to expect a certain type of work environment, but I realize that even at Sunnyland, the corrupt vampire vultures still lurk right out there in the open. Maybe I thought it was Halloween for too long, but I have come to accept that at work, nearly everyone looks hideous behind that mask that they are wearing. You just have to be smart enough to thank the bastards when they throw a treat in your goodie bag and move on to the next door. Even if it is a nasty old peanut cluster with almonds that you hated as a kid. Say thanks and move on. Ok? My friend said it best today when he told me that many of us take these journeys on a cul-de-sac to nowhere and end up still having to relate to your own shit. Am I making sense?

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to stay awake and buy into the madness a lot less.

Here is what I wrote on August 12, and it seems to be a good reminder:
The thought that keeps on coming up is that I need to be more accepting and less judgmental. Friends, family, and even that nasty old man in the road (or a fellow school employee) is probably not going to change their way of being as they become older and more rooted in their ways. I guess the reason this is relevant is that if I run into a problem in the new work environment, rather than trying to change the person or their beliefs, I guess I should just accept someone's limitations, imperfections, and sometimes nastiness. As my wife has told me many times over - 'just avoid them.' The problem is that I'm not very good at avoidance and generally have a hard time just thinking that I'm going to let something go, because surely with a bit of rationality, I'm thinking that I could make that person see my point of view. Perhaps a better view is to simply let people think and believe what they want to believe, even if it is hurtful, harmful behavior or perpetuates suffering, without being so judgmental or confrontational. The real crux of the problem is when to lie low and when its worthwhile speaking up. Is it ever worthwhile speaking up?

Speaking my mind is a mixed bag. Sometimes, especially in the work environment, it may be necessary to do because you feel either that your emotions or self will be bottled up if you don't say what you are feeling. On the other hand, the decision to employ judgment about something is a tricky one because you have to pick your spots. At the new job, I will have to be very careful to pick the right spots, or just avoid the right situations.

It seems that I have not been listening to myself.

The last few days have been a real circus and I have been feeling a bit like a superhero. One teacher across the hall was being pushed by one of her students. I immediately jumped in held the teacher back. The teacher next door had some money stolen from her by 6th grade girl. Everyone in the class saw the girl do it and the teacher had her in a corner yelling 'where the fuck is my goddamn money.' I finally pulled the teacher off of the little girl and told the little girl that if she didn't produce the money in 3 seconds, she was going downtown in handcuffs to the girl's jail. She produced the money in less than 2 seconds.

The exams are copied and ready to be distributed and the grades have been averaged. 8 days of school left.

Which brings me to my final point.

We had a meeting today. The principal essentially told us to promote as many 8th graders as possible so that the 7th graders can have spaces in summer school. The focus is on 7th graders because they are the ones going to be tested in the next year and that is how our school gets a grade from the state. For the second year in a row, we were a 'C' rated school, but still the best middle school in the region. Everyone knows the test and the school ratings are bullshit, but we have to play this game as public school teachers.

I will absolutely not promote any 8th grader who does not demonstrate minimum competence. I will not be bullied into promoting kids who do not deserve to pass. If there are not spaces in summer school, then tough fucking shit. I will be able to sleep at night knowing that even with my generous curve, a certain percentage of kids will fail.

It has taken me 3 years of teaching in the public schools to finally get it. Even as an idealist, you cannot reach and save each and every kid. Only 2 out of 43 may be listening at any one moment. Some will fail, and maybe that means I failed too. However, I really don't feel as though I need to beat myself up over it.

One of the counselors on the way out of school today asked me if I would be promoting the 4 kids who were classified as 'exceptional education'. I felt that it was shameful to ask me on the way out of the school on a Friday. Where the fuck was she all year when these kid's progress was at stake? I will not pass a kid just because they are regarded as unable to perform by some counselor or administrator. Will I alternatively assess these kids? Of course, but some of these very same kids are the best students I have. Fuck the system. These kids need remediation. If they cannot muster a 50 average in my class, then they do not deserve to pass. I give open book and open note tests and give the same homework assignment each week. This is total bullshit. If they wanted these kids promoted, then they should have kept them away from the regular classes and immersed them in a special ed program where they can live up to their label. These kids are not incapable of passing, they are just lazy. As a self-avowed liberal, I take precaution when I utter these words, but these kids just wont make an effort. They have on limited occasion, but they must be held accountable on some level, even in light of their suffering in life, or attention deficit disorder, or just plain disinterest. If I just pass these kids through, I do not believe I would be doing the right thing. They must attempt to earn a minimum grade. Even though I am not a psychologist, if they cannot make the attempt, they will be promoted out of fairness, but those who do not try because they are lazy or disinterested will not be rewarded.