Sunday August 26, 2001
It is quite amazing how a simple turn of events can totally twist your perspective about what is going on around you. I went back to work on Tuesday and basically spent the whole day moving from one room to another. I was pretty much exhausted at the end of the two days of moving and not really looking forward to going back to work. On Thursday and Friday we had meetings and more meetings. Finally on Friday afternoon, I was given a class list of my students and I got really pissed off. The Law class that I am going to teach has mostly 7th graders in it who have not even had Civics. How could they fucking schedule these kids this way? I asked the AP of Curriculum who in a very unprofessional way told me that I should have gotten a list and reviewed it before the end of last year. Of course, they never gave me any list and all of these kids were dumped into one class. That shit really pisses me off because I left a class of 7th graders to get a mixed group of kids that really don't have the background to take this class. On top of it all, I got two of the worst kids in the school together in one class - one of which is experiencing his 3rd straight year in the same grade and the other is a kid who is in a foster home with a foster parent who has no parenting skills whatsoever. As a result, I started to get very upset, but then realized that it wasn't going to do me any good. Another teacher told me that five kids who failed her class last year were in her 'advanced' class this year. I think it is going to be a long strange trip. However, on Saturday, something changed my entire perspective. I passed the administrative exam given by the state. I am in a state of euphoria.

Monday August 27, 2001
For the first time in a real long time I wasn't looking forward to the start of school. Somehow, I struggled through traffic and found my way to school a few minutes early. The air was out in the building next door. If the AC was out in my class I would have freaked out. The bell rang and by 9:05 I had a grand total of 1 kid in my class. Where were all of the kids? Running all over the place… They had kids scheduled in classrooms with no teacher assigned, they had kids with two different schedules, and they had kids running all over the place trying to found out where they were supposed to be. We stayed in homeroom for 3 hours. It was a truly a beautiful day.

Friday August 31, 2001
It has been really hard to get really jazzed up about this school year. I think the reason is that I so badly want to get out of the classroom and become an administrator that it is hard to get motivated about this year.

This year has gotten off to a real slow start. Tuesday morning, my nextdoor neighbor had a massive heart attack. Her son, who is my age, has chronic fatigue syndrome and is pretty much dependent on her. Needless to say, everything has been kind of put on hold for a while and my enthusiasm for my job has diminished a bit. Reality sometimes kicks you in the ass and makes you aware that there are other things out there besides your own head trips.

Maybe it is because of all of the chaos, but school started very strangely. The lead teacher in the magnet, an Assistant Principal, suddenly quit on Wednesday morning. Speculation as to who would run the magnet spread like wildfire. Yesterday morning, I mentioned to my principal that I might be interested in the job and asked him if the job posting was a formality - if he already had the candidate he wanted in mind. In his own way, he indicated that my assumptions might be correct; I think he wants Mr. Creepy to run this program. You may remember him as the man who always touches kids in a weird way.

I kind of felt a little annoyed, because here I am working my ass off and he knows damn good and well I am qualified for the job, but he never asked me to apply. After talking with Mr. Creepy and confirming my assumptions, I went back to the principal and told him that I understood what he was looking for and that I would not be applying for the job. But in the same breath, I also told him that I was very interested in getting an administrative job at some level and hoped to use his contacts to get some doors opened. He told me that he didn't think the job was for me because he didn't want to place someone in the job to run the Magnet as someone who was looking at the job as a stepping stone for a principalship. I suddenly felt a little relief and felt that he understood exactly where I was coming from.

Why do I even let this shit get to me? I remind myself not to even worry about the petty bullshit, but I have not let go of old habits too easily.

Sunday September 9, 2001
I just came back from a long weekend and I feel a bit relieved about the whole work scene. This week was a pretty crazy week and things don't appear to be running as smoothly as they did last year.

Sunday September 23, 2001
The last two weeks have been exhausting and challenging. On Tuesday, the 11th, the world for many of us came to a screeching halt. I didn't even know how to compose myself and for the last two weeks I have been searching for meaning in what the fuck is going on in this world. I was extremely upset over the terrorist attacks and didn't want to go to work. We spent most of the entire week last week talking about what happened. It was impossible to focus. The kids were scared shitless.

When I first heard about the plane hitting the building I knew in my heart it was a terrorist attack. As soon as I turned on the tv, at a few minutes after 9 in the morning, I saw the big hole in the building and said out loud, 'that thing is going to fall down.'

Then, the kids asked really stupid questions. I started to get angry and then realized that they are just children. Most wanted to know if the people who did this had anything to do with aaliyah's plane crashing. Others wanted to know if mcdonalds was going to be open after school. It was tragic. I was watching tv when the building fell and a student just said, 'the building fell down, its gone.' I was speechless. There was nothing that I could say or do to change the course of history forever.

It took over a week just to regain some minimal level of composure to become an effective teacher again. Going to interview candidates for the new AP job at the community school helped get me back in the swing of things. It was an enlightening experience and I hope to be interviewing in the next year for an AP job and landing on my feet in a good place. Yet somehow, I feel more compelled than ever to continue to have those special teaching moments that make my job special.

Tuesday October 30, 2001
The writing spirit just has not been there in a long time. I feel as though I am just kind of meandering through this school year. Maybe because I have been avoiding conflict but it has been a quiet year. So far.

Since September 11, my heart has been broken. I just feel that whatever it was that was motivating me to achieve and be my best has been stolen. My will power to get it back has diminished. But every once in a long while I have these glimpses of how things used to be and I almost get it back, for a moment anyway.

The nine weeks ends on Thursday and most kids are failing out of laziness. It seems odd to me that these kids would fail because they have no desire to do the work, but the system promotes this kind of mentality. When the kids know they can be promoted even if they fail a few classes, they really don't give a shit about school. I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change this mentality. It is institutional. Therefore, instead of coaching my belief as a rationale to make me feel better, I honestly believe that if I have the large number of kids passing, then it is because they are intrinsically motivated to pass. In other words, there is nothing out there motivating them to do well. It is an internal thing. So I have to then believe that my influence as a teacher to get them to do their best is minimal. Will I stop trying? I can only reach one or two kids at a time. Maybe that is the best effort one can make as a teacher.